I’ve committed to drinking less as part of my New Year’s resolution, but my girlfriend and I have always been big drinkers throughout our seven-month relationship. Our nights out usually involve alcohol, and we only seem to have sex when we’ve been drinking. She isn’t interested in cutting down on alcohol, which is her choice, but it’s affecting our sex life. I don’t feel right having sex when I’m sober and she’s drunk. I suggested trying sober sex, but she got defensive, even though I was careful not to sound judgmental. I’m not even completely sober-I’ve just stopped drinking during the week.
I still want to maintain our sex life, but is it a dealbreaker if she refuses sober sex? I can’t force her to do anything, but is there a way to encourage her to try it without seeming like I’m imposing or judging her?
To provide the best advice, I consulted Tawny Lara, known as The Sober Sexpert. Tawny is the author of “Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze,” co-author of “The Sobriety Deck,” a podcast co-host, and co-founder of a non-alcoholic spirit brand. She’s been exploring the link between sex and sobriety since 2015.
Here’s what Tawny shared:
This question highlights the intricate relationship between substances and sex. First, I commend you for reducing your alcohol intake this year. It’s great that you recognize the discomfort of being the sober partner when the other is intoxicated. Navigating a world fixated on alcohol can be challenging, especially when your partner continues to drink heavily.
Here are some ways to handle this situation thoughtfully while maintaining your wish for sober intimacy:
Communicate Your Reasons
Explain why you’re cutting back on alcohol and share your goals, whether it’s avoiding hangovers or making better decisions. Once she understands your reasoning, you can start a clear dialogue.
Discuss Sober Sex
Express your desire for sober intimacy without making her feel wrong for preferring sex while intoxicated. You might say, “Having sex when you’re drunk and I’m sober is uncomfortable because we’re not on the same page. I want us to be fully present during intimacy.”
Open a Dialogue
Ask her, without judgment, why she avoids sober sex. Alcohol might hold significance for her due to insecurities, body image issues, PTSD, or other reasons. Try saying, “Sober sex is important to me, and so are you. I’d love to understand why you prefer drunk sex if you’re comfortable sharing. You mean a lot to me, and I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
Consider Harm Reduction
Explore harm reduction, which involves drinking less or using a less harmful substance like cannabis. Suggest reducing her alcohol intake before intimacy. If she usually has five drinks, see if she’d consider having one or two as a compromise. Approach this with curiosity to avoid seeming like you’re counting her drinks.
For example: “I respect that you’re not cutting back on drinking, but would you consider having less before we’re intimate? Just an idea! You know how much I care about you, and I want us both to enjoy sex.”
Reflect on Your Feelings
Think about how her preference for drunk sex affects you. Do you feel disrespected, annoyed, or lonely? Does it tempt you to drink? Understanding these feelings and discussing them with her can help you decide if this is a dealbreaker.
Ultimately, You can’t change her behavior or her relationship with alcohol. Be honest with yourself about how her drinking impacts you. If sober sex is non-negotiable for you, and she refuses, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. Taking a stand could make her rethink her relationship with alcohol.
Consider couples counseling or attending support groups like Al-Anon. These groups are for people who care about someone with substance use issues. Hearing similar stories can offer support and validation.
For more insights on relationships and sobriety, visit watervoice.org.uk.